I Planned to Exist — But Once I Did, I Planned Not To

by Nat Bannerman

⚠️ Content Warning:

This post contains personal reflections on mental health challenges, including anxiety and suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for support. In Australia, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. You are not alone.

This is a deeply personal story about growing up neurodivergent and feeling unseen. I’m sharing it not for sympathy, but because I know others out there might be feeling the same. You deserve to feel understood and you deserve to stay. 💚

Behind every dark moment, there’s the possibility of something brighter — if you can just hold on.

I was not a planned child, but it was still decided for me to be kept. It’s like I planned my own existence.

Once I did come to exist in the outside world, I experienced first-hand how traumatic it is. Being young and divergent, having no one understand your struggles, being left in silence… it’s enough to make one decide existence is not worth it.

Once the struggles were found out, I started to feel like I finally could be understood. At the same time, it felt too late.

At ten years old, the school suggested we take an anxiety scale test. Mum didn’t believe there was anything wrong with me. She thought I was in my own happy little world, able to take care of myself. I didn’t show my expressions, so no matter how I felt, only a blank face could be seen. Expressionless was mistaken for focus.

Mum didn’t know about my struggles because I kept them all silent. When we did do the test, my anxiety was off the charts. That’s when we discovered that we needed to do something.

With the anxiety test, we were put in touch with a school psychologist. Through the school psychologist, we were referred to a paediatrician. After a lot of funding and searching, we eventually found the people that would help me become who I am today.

I’ll be honest, I have made attempts to leave this world. Throughout my life, I thought I would never make it to adulthood. I thought I would never find my purpose.

But now… those thoughts have changed.

After seventeen years, I’ve found it. I’m proud. I’m weird. I’m queer. But most importantly, I’m me. I wouldn’t replace my life for anything else.

That leads us to where we are today.

From quiet suffering to weird and proud, creating stories that share the importance of being yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with being different, and there’s nothing wrong with being you.

Don’t forget to Own Your Bean, and remember...

You’ve got this. 

💚 Nat

💬 Final Thoughts:

Thank you for reading my story.

I know it’s a heavy one, but it’s also one filled with hope. If you’re going through something right now, please know it’s okay to ask for help. You’re allowed to be different. You’re allowed to take up space. And most importantly, you are needed.

You matter. You are not alone.