From Shutdowns to Celebrations: Lessons I’ve Learned Along the Way

Reflections from a parent of an autistic child

by Debi Bannerman

Parenting an autistic child is not a straight road, it’s a winding path filled with unexpected stops, slow climbs, surprising detours, and moments of breathtaking beauty. It’s not always easy. But it is deeply meaningful.

Over the years, I’ve learned lessons that didn’t come from books, they came from real experiences, from tears and triumphs, from meltdowns and magical moments. These reflections are for any parent or carer navigating this journey, and for anyone who just needs to hear: you’re not alone.

1. They are more resilient than people realise.

Autistic kids often face more internal and external challenges than others. And yet, they get back up. Again and again. When we support them with love and understanding, they don’t just survive, they grow stronger.

2. Progress happens when we guide with love, not pressure.

Yes, we want them to achieve their goals. But pushing too hard or too fast can cause them to shut down. If that happens, it’s okay ... really. They can rebuild, especially when we acknowledge their emotions and show them that their feelings are safe with us.

3. They will test our patience and that’s okay.

This journey will challenge you. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re doing everything wrong. But the truth is: you’re human. You’re learning too. Give yourself grace.

4. They need love and clear, detailed communication.

Vague encouragement often isn’t enough. What they really need is step-by-step clarity. Nat, for example, thrives when tasks are written down with simple timeframes. They’ll work through the list systematically, much more effectively than if they’re verbally rushed.

Which leads me to…

5. Don’t rush them. Just… don’t.

I can’t count how many shutdowns happened because I pushed for a deadline with my words, my tone, my impatience. But when I slow down and create structure, written plans, gentle oversight, breathing space ... they shine. Every time.

6. It’s okay to take a pause.

Sometimes it looks like they’re flaking out, lying in bed, playing the same song on repeat, zoning out. But they’re not quitting. They’re rebuilding. Their brains are processing, filing, recovering. Pausing isn’t failure. It’s preparation.

7. Joy doesn’t always show up on their face.

Don’t assume they’re not proud of their achievements just because they’re not grinning ear to ear. Nat doesn’t always look excited, but they are. Their happiness just doesn’t always notify their face.

8. Stress can hide in plain sight.

They don’t want to disappoint us, so they often keep things inside. That’s why it’s so important to notice the subtle signs: staying in their room, skipping favourite foods, changes to routines. Look closely, their distress might be quiet, but it’s there.

9. They need to know we’re there when things go wrong.

It’s easy to celebrate success, but when plans fall apart? That’s when they need us most. Don’t punish. Don’t shame. Gently ask what they learned. Help them feel safe in the messiness of life.

10. Every child has their own kind of light.

Nat’s light shines through art and stories. Yours might express theirs through music, movement, numbers, quiet observation ... or something totally unique. Pay attention to the cues. Their inner world is trying to tell you something.

11. You’ve got this!

This might be the most important reminder of all. It is hard sometimes. And emotional. And exhausting. But you are exactly who your child needs. You’re learning, growing, loving. Be kind to yourself — because to them, you are their whole world.

And if you’ve read this far, thank you 💛

If you’d like to support Nat’s journey (and share some bean-powered kindness with a child in your life), you can check out their book: 📚 You Can’t Rush Friendships – available worldwide.

🛒 Cick below to buy on Amazon Australia (also searchable on your local Amazon)

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